Forgetfulness

I woke up today and for a moment
I could not remember my name
Or who I was.
I said to myself, I have arrived
At the threshold of forgetfulness.
Where have my years gone?
I see them not,
Yet they weigh me down.
My back is slightly bent.
My eyes, O, my eyes look to the ground now
Instead of toward the sky.

I know I have lived those years!
But where are they?
Where can I go to review them?
To see what could have been different?
What I have missed?
Would I live them the same
As I did?

I hear a whisper.
I look here and there, but see no one.
Where are you, inaudible voice?

The answer slowly rises into my conciousness --

I am the sum of your remembrance,
The whisper in your silence, in your dreams
And waking hours.
I am the All, and you alone have made me.
I am All, what you wrote with your hand and heart.

I am the sum of your years,
As you have lived them --
Your smiles, your tears, your joys and your fears,
All your hopes, all your dreams,
Your failures, your successes.
I am your remembrance,
The You that you've become, 'til now!

Tears have carved wrinkles on your face.
In the furrows between your brows
Your worries have been etched.
The lines at the edges of your lips
Are sunshine rays of smiles
And happy times of bygone years.
The glimmer in your eyes still projects
The hopes your have for a future
Yet to be lived, yet to be written by you.

Remember well those thousands of millions
Who had no chance to stand
At the threshold of forgetfulness
And ask, Where have my years gone?

It is these you must not forget!
For they have helped to make you
What you have become.

The voice ceases to speak,
And I sit at the edge of my bed
And think to myself what all this means.
And like a flash, I understand --

Where have the years gone?
They and all the living are I,
I meaning We,
And We and I are One Humanity.

We gathered our belongings, stepped off the train, and stood on the platform, waiting for the gendarmes to lead us to our destination. They took their positions behind us and told us to move toward the exit and into the street. We began our march with a slow pace, down a long corridor in the train station.

The station's huge clock rang six times. My eyes scanned the trains and the people who gazed out at us. It was still dark. It was winter and the air was damp. There was snow on the streets.

This was not the first time I had been to Budapest. In the summer of 1931, I was swimming in the River Bodrog with my friends. One of them pushed me under, stirring up gravel on the river's floor. Some sand lodged in my left ear, causing an infection. Dr. Kahn urged my mother to take me to the children's hospital, the Brody Hospital, in Budapest, for an operation. During the procedure I did not receive any anesthetic but was given something to bite on. While the doctor opened my eardrum with a knife, I held on with both hands to my chair. He put a pump in my ear and drained the pus and sand.

My thoughts were interrupted by one of the gendarmes. "Move faster," he told me. "You are dragging your feet." I tried to move quickly with my load of belongings.

I looked around me. It appeared that thousands of eyes were looking at us, asking questions: "Who are these people?" "Why are the bayonets fixed?" Why indeed? We were not criminals. We were not chained to each other, but we might as well have been. The csendors treated us like criminals the moment we arrived at the station. They seemed to have forgotten that they knew us, but we had known each other since I was born; we were all from the same town; we had swum in the same river, Bodrog; we had played in the same school grounds; we had been friends at one time. Now they were the guards and we the prisoners, and the people on the streets gazed at us on this early and cold winter morning.

I turned my head to look at their faces. I saw in their eyes some ambivalence, yet they also had the stern, hard expressions of military officials. We marched to the beat of their goading, and to the cadence of the humdrum noise of the cars. All I could see of my family were their backs. My mother pulled my sister close to her, comforting her. I could only imagine what my family saw and felt, but I didn't have to hear what their hearts spoke. My heart did the listening on its own. I knew that I had to be strong because it was my fault that this had happened to us -- so I reasoned.

After walking about twenty minutes, as the sun was beginning to rise, we arrived at Toloncz Haz. It seemed gigantic. It took about ten minutes to find the black iron gate, enormous in the wintry morning light. I saw that what I had thought was the prison was only the outside walls surrounding the main structure. The walls were tall and had wire on top.

We were ushered into the yard, some papers were signed, and the gendarmes left. We remained standing in the snow. The building behind the wall was ominous; everything was blackened. The snow on the roofs was dirty. Imprisoned men walked in a circular pattern, some blowing their hands in the frigid air, some buttoning their coats. We had never seen anything like it.

Relaxation from tension

Use this tension release exercise daily, especially after work when you are free to spend a few quiet moments on your own.

Lie down on a sofa or on your bed without a pillow under your head. You can also do this exercise seated at your desk. A pillow under your head flattens your trachea and cuts back the normal air flow to your lungs, diminishing the flow of oxygen to your brain and other vital organs.

This exercise will help you to dispense with sleeping pills or muscle relaxants. Make sure you are comfortable.

1. Place your right or left hand (whichever is most comfortable) under your occiput (the back of your head).
   
2. Place the index finger of your free hand in the middle of your forehead. Press slightly downward. Imagine or visualize that your finger has pierced your skull and now is touching the palm of the hand under your head. Lie this way for about two minutes.
   
3. Now remove both hands and place them by your side. Rest for three to five minutes more.
   
4. If you do not fall asleep you will certainly be more relaxed. This is the aim: relaxation.